ACA Bill of Rights

  1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.
  2. You have a right to say no to anything when you feel you are not ready or it is unsafe.
  3. Life should not be motivated by fear.
  4. You have a right to all your feelings.
  5. You are probably not guilty.
  6. You have a right to make mistakes.
  7. There is no need to smile when you cry.
  8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make you feel put down and humiliated.
  9. You can be healthier than those around you.
  10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.
  11. You have a right to change and grow.
  12. It is important to set limits and be selfish.
  13. You can be angry at someone you love.
  14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances are in.

 

The Other Laundry List

  1. To cover our fear of people and our dread of isolation we tragically become the very authority figures who frighten others and cause them to withdraw.
  2. To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others.
  3. We frighten people with our anger and threat of belittling criticism.
  4. We dominate others and abandon them before they can abandon us or we avoid relationships with dependent people altogether. To avoid being hurt, we isolate and dissociate and thereby abandon ourselves.
  5. We live life from the standpoint of a victimizer, and are attracted to people we can manipulate and control in our important relationships.
  6. We are irresponsible and self-centered. Our inflated sense of self-worth and self-importance prevents us from seeing our deficiencies and shortcomings.
  7. We make others feel guilty when they attempt to assert themselves.
  8. We inhibit our fear by staying deadened and numb.
  9. We hate people who “play” the victim and beg to be rescued.
  10. We deny that we’ve been hurt and are suppressing our emotions by the dramatic expression of “pseudo” feelings.
  11. To protect ourselves from self punishment for failing to “save” the family we project our self-hate onto others and punish them instead.
  12. We “manage” the massive amount of deprivation we feel, coming from abandonment within the home, by quickly letting go of relationships that threaten our “independence” (not too close).
  13. We refuse to admit we’ve been affected by family dysfunction or that there was dysfunction in the home or that we have internalized any of the family’s destructive attitudes and behaviors.
  14. We act as if we are nothing like the dependent people who raised us.Source: Page 649, ACA Fellowship Text (Big Red Book)

 

Before we write in greater detail about the original Laundry List, we must note that most of the 14 Traits have an opposite.  Our experience shows that the opposites are just as damaging as the counterpart.   For example, if we feared authority figures, as the first trait suggests, we also became authority figures to our children, spouses, or others.  When we stop and think about it,  we realized we were feared as authority figures.  If we lived our life from the viewpoint of a victim (Trait 5), then many of us have become persecutors or perpetrators who created victims.  If we got guilt feelings for standing up for ourselves (Trait 7), we could also feel guiltless by shaming someone verbally.  We could take from others what was not ours without feeling guilty.

These examples represent the reverse side of the Laundry List.  Many of us would like to deny that we have been a dominating authority figure, but we have.  We don’t like to think about victimizing others or projecting blame onto them, but we have.  Many of us have reenacted what was done to us, thinking we were justified.  Some of us have engaged in fights that go beyond mere words.  We have slapped and slugged others in a fit of rage.  Some of us have used a violent cursing with threats of physical harm to intimidate others.  A few adult children have willingly committed crimes.  We have stolen merchandise, written bogus checks, or embezzled money for various reasons that don’t hold weight in the light of our explanations.  We can feel shame or disgust when we think about our actions.  This is healthy guilt, which is different from the toxic guilt that we were raised under.

Our behaviors, whether we are a victim or creating victims, highlight an ACA truism:  “ACA is not an easy program to work.”   Yet, the effort it takes to work ACA is far less than the effort it takes to live in codependence or trying to control others or circumstances out of our control.  If we apply half the effort to ACA that we apply to living codependently, we will see amazing results.  We will find clarity and self-worth.

We will need help.  We will need acceptance from others when we cannot accept ourselves.  We do not need to shame ourselves or dive into self-condemnation, but we must be honest about our behavior.  We sometimes need a reminder that we are acting destructively and should consider rethinking our behavior.

ACA allows us to admit our behavior in a safe place without judgment from others.  By working the ACA program, we learn to recognize when we are thinking like a victim or persecutor and to talk about it.  We reparent ourselves with gentleness and self-love.  We become open minded to the idea that we can change with time and with help.

Source: Page 8, ACA Fellowship Text (Big Red Book)

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 12/12/20

Attendees: Alex O., Claire, Marilyn

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Claire to accept the November minutes as submitted. Marilyn seconded. All in favor. Motion approved. A motion was made by Alex to accept the November Treasurer’s report. Mark reports there has been no activity. Claire seconded. All in favor. Motion approved.

Adult Child Voices Across America Weekly Speaker meeting is on Thursday evenings via Zoom (6-7:30pm West Coast Time). Volunteer speakers needed***Call in early! Limited spots available. Anyone is welcome to join and participate.

An election for Chairperson will be held at the end of the year. Alex will begin traveling in February and will be able to Chair until January.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

 

 

 

 

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 11/14/20

Attendees: Alex O., Claire, Mark, Pam

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Mark to accept the October minutes as submitted. Pam seconded. All in favor. Motion approved. A motion was made by Pam to accept the October Treasurer’s report. Mark reports there has been no activity. Alex seconded. All in favor. Motion approved.

Adult Child Voices Across America Weekly Speaker meeting is on Thursday evenings via Zoom (6-7:30pm West Coast Time). Volunteer speakers needed***Call in early! Limited spots available. Anyone is welcome to join and participate.

An election for Chairperson will be held at the end of the year. Alex will begin traveling in February and will be able to Chair until then.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

 

 

 

 

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 10/10/20

Attendees: Alex O., Claire, Mark, Danyalle, Pam

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Mark to accept the September minutes as submitted. Claire seconded. All in favor. Motion approved.

A motion was made by Claire to accept the September Treasurer’s report. Mark reports there has been no activity. Danyalle seconded. All in favor. Motion approved.

Adult Child Voices Across America Weekly Speaker meeting is on Thursday evenings via Zoom (6-7:30pm West Coast Time). Volunteer speakers needed***Call in early! Limited spots available. Alex reminded the group about the Mission Statement Committee. Anyone is welcome to join and participate. WSO Ballot Proposals are due October 31st. Claire shared that there is an ACA Convention at the end of October. Alex posted the link on Slack.

An election for Chairperson will be held at the end of the year. Alex will begin traveling in February and will be able to Chair until then.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

 

 

 

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 9/12/20

Attendees: Alex O., Claire, Marilyn, Danyalle

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Marilyn to accept the August minutes as submitted. Danyalle seconded. Motion approved. No July meeting.

A motion was made by Marilyn to accept the July Treasurer’s report. Danyalle seconded.

Adult Child Voices Across America Weekly Speaker meeting is on Thursday evenings via Zoom (6-7:30pm West Coast Time). Volunteer speakers needed***Call in early! Limited spots available. Alex reminded the group about the Mission Statement Committee. Anyone is welcome to join and participate. WSO Ballot Proposals are due October 31st.

Danyalle and Claire gave updates on their groups. Claire praised the Reparenting workshops/meetings on the WSO Event page. An election for Chairperson will be held at the end of the year. Alex will begin traveling in February and will not be in IG in 2021.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 8/8/20

Attendees: Alex O., Claire, Marilyn

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Claire to accept the June minutes as submitted. Marilyn seconded. Motion approved. No July meeting.

Treasurer’s report unavailable for June. Mark not present.

Alex O. shared that the retreat is postponed to 2021. A blast email was sent to all groups/previous attendees to notify them of this change. Adult Child Voices Across America Weekly Speaker meeting is on Thursday evenings via Zoom (6-7:30pm West Coast Time).

Claire shared that there is a workshop today at 1pm called Partners in Recovery.

Marilyn asked how their group could collect 7th Tradition donations since cash is not an option. Alex suggested Venmo or PayPal.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

 

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 6/13/20

Attendees: Alex O., Mark H., Danyalle, Bridget, Lisa, Claire, Amanda

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Lisa C. to accept the May minutes as submitted. Mark seconded. Motion approved.

Treasurer’s report was posted on Slack. Motion was made by Lisa C. to approve the May treasurer’s report. Seconded by Danyalle.

Alex O. shared that our minutes are posted on the TN ACA IG website for all of 2020. The Retreat Committee will meet at 4pm CST to discuss online platforms and fee options. No Outreach Committee updates. No Mission Statement Committee updates.

No current group/fellowship needs or concerns at this time.

Amanda gave Murfreesboro update. At this time, they are Zoom only. Mark shared that the MJ Sunday at 2pm meeting will begin meeting at Cumberland Heights as early as June 28th. Danyalle’s group is ordering literature from the WSO website. Claire gave Memphis update. At this time, they are Zoom only.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.

Minutes ACA TN Intergroup 5/9/20

Attendees: Alex O., Mark H., Danyalle, Bridget

Meeting opened with the serenity prayer.

A motion was made by Mark H. to accept the May minutes as submitted. Bridget seconded. Motion approved.

Treasurer’s report was posted on Slack. Motion was made by Danyalle to approve the treasurer’s report. Seconded by Bridget.

Alex O. presented the Delegate Report for the virtual 2020 ACA ABC. 7 proposals received 60% vote and were discussed and voted on: 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 13.

Proposal 3 – ACA Preamble – Moved to breakout session Breakout room 1 (motion moved to send proposal back to service network committee for wordsmithing with our thoughts*). Proposal 4 – Literature Copyright Release Options – Declined – Note that the Literature committee reported that they expect to have an updated release form in the next few months. Proposal 6 – Literature for situations in which individuals or groups have not followed the traditions or principles of ACA. Moved to breakout room Breakout room 3. Proposal 8 – Additional Boundary Resources – Moved to breakout room Breakout room 2 (motion will be sent to literature committee to create additional boundary resources). Proposal 9 – ACA beginners meeting handbook – Motion failed to proceed. This proposal was turned into a motion and originally passed. After a minority opinion there was a re-vote and the Yes votes went below 60% and the motion stopped. Proposal 10 – daily reparenting reader. Passed. Proposal 13- The “Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families” part of the title on the cover of the Big Red Book. Declined to Board’s Motion that already addresses this for BRB and other literature.

Alex O. also discussed her questions to the WSO Board regarding back taxes and WSO failure to respond to our communications in January 2020. She states WSO Treasurer Bill D. invited her to join the WSO Finance Committee that week. Alex O. and Mark H. attended the Finance mtg and Mark gave an update on WSO finances/tax.

Meeting closed with the ACA Serenity Prayer.